Frank Zappa and The Illinois Enema Bandit!
This song has always made me chuckle - but for those Zappa followers who have always wondered about the events that lead to his song “The Illinois Enema Bandit” .. read on!
First, the story in the words of Frank.
“This is a true story
About a famous criminal
From right around Chicago
This is the story of Michael Kenyon
A man who’s serving time at this very moment
For the crime of armed robbery
It so happened, that at the time of the robbery
Michael, decided to give his female victims
A little enema
Apparently, there was no law against that
But his name lives on
Michael Kenyon
THE ILLINOIS ENEMA BANDIT!”
The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard he’s on the loose
I heard he’s on the loose
Lord, the pitiful screams
Of all them college-educated women...
Boy, he’d just be tyin’ ‘em up
(They’d be all bound down!)
Just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag fulla
The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag
fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag
fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
He just be pumpin’ every one of ‘em up with all the bag
fulla The Illinois Enema Bandit Juice
The Illinois Enema Bandit
I heard it on the news
I heard it on the news
Bloomington Illinois...he has caused some alarm
Just sneakin’ around there
From farm to farm
Got a rubberized bag
And a hose on his arm
Lookin’ for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin’ for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
Lookin’ for some rustic co-ed rump
That he just might wanna pump
The Illinois Enema Bandit
One day he’ll have to pay
One day he’ll have to pay
The police will say, “You’re under arrest!”
And the judge would have him for a special guest
The D.A. will order a secret test
And stuff his pudgy little thumbs in the side of his vest
Then they’ll put out a call for the jury folks
And the judge would say, “No poo-poo jokes!”
Then they’ll drag in the bandit for all to see,
Sayin’ “Don’t nobody have no sympathy...
HOT SOAP WATER in the FIRST DEGREE!”
And then the bandit might say, “Why is everybody looking’ at me?”
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS KINDA MISERY?
WELL DID YOU CAUSE THIS MISERY?
Now, one girl shout: “Let the Bandit be!”
BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY?
BANDIT ARE YOU GUILTY? TELL ME NOW, WHAT’S
YOUR PLEA?
Another girl shout: “Let the fiend go free!”
ARE YOU GUILTY? BANDIT, DID YOU DO THESE DEEDS?
The Bandit say, “It must be just what they all needs...”
“It must be just what they all needs...”
“It must be just what they all needs...”
“It must be just what they all needs...”
“It must be just what they all needs...”
“It must be just what they all needs...”
etc. repeat
Wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna enema
Enema
repeat...
Lyrics copyright. Frank Zappa.
I then dug around in the dirty world of the 'net and came up with the
following interviews!
From: BBC-TV interview by Nigel Leigh
As was cited by Neil Slaven Zappa. Electric Don Quixote p.189
“FZ: I actually heard about it on the radio. We were returning from a job in Nornal, Illinois and had the radio on in the sation wagon. The announcer said, “The Illinois Enema Bandit” has struck again’, and I went, “What!” Apparently, this guy had been ravaging the area of Southern Illinois for a number of years. He would find a co-ed’s apartement with the door unlocked and he would walk in with a ski mask on and I guess a revolver, and force the woman to experience a severe internal rinse at gunpoint
...
Many of the things that I’ve written have been true stories in song about onscure people who did obscure things, and the function in the same folk music tradition except that it’s been performed on electric instruments” [To Frank, Michael Kenyon’s anal obsession was “ the chance to do a folk song, especially since we were playing a lot of jobs in the Midwest. He’s like a household name here, he should have a song.”
News clipping inside album
Michael H. Kenyon, 30, the suspected enema bandit who terrorized coeds at the University of Illinois for 10 years, has pleaded guilty in Urbana, Ill., to six counts of armed robbery. He has administered enemas to woman victims in at least three of the six robberies.
From: “D.G. Porter” (dgporter@pacbell.net)
I heard some years ago that a guy was waiting in the unemployment office, and he heard the name “Michael Kenyon” called out, and it was the guy sitting next to him, and he asked the guy if he’d ever heard of someone named Frank Zappa, and the guy bolted from his seat right out of the building.
From: Richard C Williams (punkjazz@ziplink.net)
At the time it happened, Bob Dylans’ Ballad of Hurricane Carter was popular on the radio, and Frank figured if Dylan could write a song about an accused murderer, then he would write one about an accused Enema Bandit
From: drstephens@aol.com (DrStephens)
For all those who love FZÒs song about the Illinois Enema Bandit, I thought you would be interested in this update which appears in the current issue (number 79) of the _Fortean Times: The Journal of Strange Phenomena_ on page 7. They reference the information appearing in this article as coming from the Associated Press (5 April 1975) and correspondence with former FBI agent John Finley.
The chronicles of crime feature few more desperate characters than Michael Kenyon, a petty criminal who forcibly administered enemas to at least two dozen victims, mostly female students, between 1965 and 1975. Face hidden behind a ski mask, he would break into a woman’s room, tie her up and get to work with his rubber tubing. Part of his ritual was to steal a single item from each victim; then, leaving the student trussed and terrified, he would sometimes phone the police to boast about his crime.
The Enema Bandit first struck while studying at the University of Illinois. Kenvon committed a dozen assaults between 1965 and 1969 before graduating with a degree in accountancy. From college he joined the army, before taking to cleaning people out for a living as an employee of the Intemal Revenue Service. As he was posted around the country enema attacks occurred in Los Angeles, Manhattan (Kansas) and Norman, Oklahoma. On one occasion he administered an enema to a girl in a train travelling to Florida.
By May 1974, the Bandit was back on home turf, attacking several University of Illinois co-eds in a single night. The police made little headway in tracing the culprit until Kenyon was arrested in connection with two robberies near Champaign, Illinois, in April 1975. Someone noticed that the method of breaking and entering was identical to that of the Enema Bandit and Kenyon was charged with armed robbery and battery. He served six years in prison and was paroled in 1981.
Former FBI agent John Finley, who researched the case for FT, notes that Kenyon was a subscriber to Enema Digest, a specialist magazine for devotees of water sports. There is no record of further enema assaults since 1981.
I have searched the ‘net for any further info on Kenyon (even on the FBI homepage!!) but he seems to have vanished after his parole in 1981 ... no suprise there!
Well, I hope that has cleared things up!! Once again, you, my faithful download monkeys
have learnt from my wisdom.
And to round things off - this would not be complete without the actual song
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